Let’s Go And Write A Letter

 

This Is What It Might Look Like

Okay then maybe not a quill!  It’s not that ‘old school’.  But the kind of writing I have in mind is very specific.

When my Dad passed away it was the beginning of a painful emotional journey.  I couldn’t get past the anger I felt toward him.  All of us in the family knew for a long time that Dad wasn’t going to get better and it was just a matter of time, so his death was not unexpected.  To be honest I thought I’d done a lot of my grieving during the time he had left to us.  I was shocked to learn how wrong I was.

I couldn’t get past the anger.  I was stuck fast in it.  I was so angry: he’d died and left me – I was furious.

It didn’t have to be like that.

It could’ve been different.

It should’ve been different.

But it wasn’t.

My Dad had open heart surgery and six blockages removed – and was given a clean bill of health.  It was the answer we had all been looking for, after his heart attack had come out of the blue.  So once he recovered from the operation we were all relieved and delighted.  We had our Dad back again!

This is a photo of my Dad as a young man in the RAF.

But my Dad being the person he was, meant he didn’t  like boundaries on his actions.  He couldn’t change and he carried on doing things he’d been doing for years.  For example instead of using the services of a tree surgeon to cut down diseased trees – My Dad would do it, open heart surgery or not.  Tiled the bathroom, tiled the kitchen – you name it, he did it.

Inevitably he had another heart-attack and was resuscitated 11 times in one night.  He survived.  To go on another another five years after that.  This time he had little quality of life and wasn’t happy.

When he did pass on – I was relieved to know his suffering was finished and grateful to get the funeral over so we could all try to get our life back to ‘normal’.

But that didn’t happen either because as the weeks, months went by I couldn’t put my Dad to rest.  I was stuck in the anger.  I was angry that he hadn’t used his second chance properly. Why did he have to do those stupid things he did?

Why could he not be like other people; sit back, relax and enjoy his retirement.

Why did he have to slog along like a work-horse?

Those questions went round and round my mind.  Over and over again.  Until I was sick of it.

About then a thought popped into my head like a text message: ‘Write to him.  Write to your Dad’.  I was shocked at first, it seemed, somehow, wrong to write to someone who had passed.  But I thought about it and the more I did the more I remembered other people who had spoken to me during their grief and they’d said something similar.  One wife spoke to her dead husband constantly, it gave her comfort and she believed he heard her and was with her all the time.

Comforted by this, I sat down to write to my Father.

Writing To Someone Who Has Passed

It was therapeutic – for me it was therapeutic.  Not only was it therapeutic. It brought healing.

As I wrote my letter and began getting into it, I started asking my normal questions of Why?  Strangely answers popped into my head.

As the dialogue progressed it revealed more and more of my Dad’s personality to me, through the answers.

I don’t believe for a second that my Dad communicated with me.  That was not what I was looking for – Dad deserved his peace and rest after his long years of suffering – I’d pestered him quite enough when he was alive with my endless questions, he certainly didn’t need anymore now he had passed.

What I do believe is: by committing myself to write I created a little oasis of peace and quiet and trusted in that peace and quiet.

I wrote my letter and trusted in the dialogue that emerged.

The dialogue was me, entering into the known realms of my Dad’s personality, according to how I knew him over the years.  I became aware of all the years he had enjoyed good health, and in that time, one thing stood out. In all things Dad was not a person of half-measures.  He never did things by halves.  He was an all, or nothing, sort of person.  That’s who he was.  More than that possibly is, without being that way, he would never be the person we all loved so much.

In truth then Dad died as he had lived.

When I realised that truth it liberated me from the anger burning through my soul and my heart.  I was free!  Finally – I laid my Dad to rest in my heart.

A Liberating Experience – I Felt At Peace

I use the word liberating deliberately.  As it truly was exactly that.  Not only did it liberate me from the pain of my own Father’s passing.  It transformed the way I looked at death itself.  I learned that all of us die the way we live.  We cannot do other than that.  We can’t live in one way and then because we’re dying we suddenly become somebody else.  My Dad couldn’t – he was always true to himself, no matter what the consequences.

That experience transformed me and I felt freer to look at death.  Things that had bothered me before now viewed in this new light, now could be understood.

We shroud death with mystery and erect barriers around it. We separate it from life.  Which it isn’t.  It’s a part of life.

Our ancestors never treated death in this way.  Whenever a family member died, the body would lie in state in a room within the house.  Household members along with members from the community would prepare the body for burial.  It was done like it was the last thing that could be done for that family member who had been loved and part of that community.  It was an act of simple kindness.  It was a necessary part of community life.

We don’t have that so much anymore.  We don’t want our elders living with us when they become older.  When they become ill we send them away to die in a hospital where we don’t have anything to do with it.

And I’m not judging that.  It’s easy to do and doesn’t serve any purpose.  Besides living circumstances have changed so much since our elders were on this planet, that for the most part it’s not even physically possible to house our elders.  I mention it only to show how much we’ve changed as a community and moved away from traditional values.  Again through no fault of our own.  As humans we tend to migrate where there is work and the things we need in order to stay alive.  In doing so we’ve left so much behind us.

So we shouldn’t be afraid to write to someone in our life who has passed.  We don’t need to shroud it in mystery and secrecy and treat those people as if they never existed in our world.  They might have gone from this planet, but who is really to say that they’re not alive and well, living very nicely thank you in another world, somewhere beyond our wildest dreams.  Write your letter – it doesn’t matter of the circumstance, or what you want to say. You may even wish to be rude.  You may wish to say loving, tender, gentle things – things you never could speak of when they were alive.

It doesn’t matter what the subject.

You need to write your way through it.  Let your writing lead you to transformation and peace.

Until next time – take care.

Hyperactive Children – Part 2

HOW TO COPE WITH HYPERACTIVITY

It’s overwhelming when you are first faced with the challenges of a hyperactive child.  It’s a case of where to start first.  Last time I shared with you how it affected me and how it was quite difficult to get away from the idea that my son was just a normal ‘naughty’ and active little boy.  Also it’s not your own wish as a mother to ‘label’ your child as anything.  So there’s a lot to take on board and try to sort out mentally about how you’re going to cope with this new challenge in your life.

We all want to do what’s best for our children, of course we do, we love them and we want them to have the best opportunities that we can possibly give them.  That’s difficult enough without being given anything more or different to cope with.  But that is exactly what faces parents with children who are ADHD kids.  Thirty three years ago give or take a few months ago, it was really difficult there was a lot of  what I can only describe as ‘resentment’ against parents who struggle with the problem.  You’re treated as a person who just thinks their kid is ‘special’ instead of facing-up to the fact that your kid is just plain dumb.  Through his schooling years both he and I came across this attitude often.  He had a teacher who told me that I should just accept that not all kids are ‘academic’ and that my son would be good with his hands.  If she thought for a minute that my son didn’t know she had that attitude towards him she was wrong, he did know and at that time he was about eight years old.  Kids know.  Fortunately I made it a priority with all my children that we had open channels of communication over everything, there was nothing that we couldn’t discuss and discuss everything we did.  So it was my son was able to tell me about this particular teacher – he used to tell me how she didn’t like him and that it was okay because he didn’t like her.

I was a bit cautious about how I replied to him – I kept an open mind until I’d had a chance to speak with her myself – when I came out of the classroom – my son had played around in the playground waiting for me, when we met up I said to him, ‘what a nasty women she is’ to which he replied ‘Well I did tell you and she’s always putting-on lipstick in class’!  She was the one who told me my son would be good with his hands!

What I would say to anybody who has a child who struggles to learn – don’t ever let your child be ‘put-down’ – children with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder have difficulties in learning, but they’re certainly not stupid and often are kids with above average intelligence.

So the way of coping that I eventually learned over a period of years is in three parts.

1. Diet – I cannot tell you enough how important diet is to children.  It’s not just eating healthy food which is important.  It’s knowing about what ingredients go into foods today.  For example look at butter substitutes and check what they contain.  Look at some cheese products and see what they contain.  Learn to look at every item of food you buy and learn about what they contain.  The same goes for drink.  When I started looking I got a bit disillusioned and wondered what, if anything, my son would ever eat again.  But then when I thought about it a bit more I realised I could only cut-out the worst, those were determined by effect it had on the behaviour of my son.  In the end it turned out to be coke that was on the hit list.  It had a bad effect on his behaviour and he ran-around at high-speed after drinking it which lasted for about two hours.  Nothing else had such a noticeable effect, although during this period it turned out, my daughter, who was not hyperactive developed an allergy to red dye.  This red dye could be in sweets, drinks it didn’t matter the effect was the same, it made her vomit.  We did without that as well.  But it was because I was looking at everything contained in the food and drink my kids had that I was able to tie the red dye and the vomiting together.

Self discipline

1. Discipline – Discipline as with all children gives them boundaries and teaches consequences for actions taken against advice.  With a hyperactive child the discipline may well have to be different.  From an early age I found giving him a smack [which was allowed in those days] didn’t work.  I also stress that I didn’t smack often and used it as a last resort.  But with my son, it didn’t have any effect on him at all.  I was left with the problem of what to do?  I couldn’t just smack him harder because that wasn’t a route I wanted to travel.  Fortunately for me a couple of sessions with a Pediatrician gave me the answers I was looking for.  This was time-out.  We didn’t call it discipline either, it was behaviour modification.  Anyway, time-out worked on the principle of when his behaviour escalated out of control – I was to put him into a room somewhere he couldn’t do any damage to himself or anyone else and leave him for a time to cool down.  He screamed he kicked, he banged and he shouted.  Gradually it would begin to subside until he calmed down and was quiet.  When he was quiet I would allow him to come out.  It worked so well that I didn’t have to do it. After a few sessions – all it took was a mention of  ‘time out’ and that was enough to stop him.  Along with this ‘time out’, I had to make sure he knew that I loved him and was doing the time out because I didn’t like his behaviour.  So in his mind he knew that I loved him but not what he was doing.  I know that it worked because he used to ask me, ‘You love me, but not my behaviour’, and I was able to assure him that I loved him very much.  That was fantastic as it took away that fear all parents have that disciplining a child will teach them they aren’t loved.  Also what we ‘do’ is different to who we ‘are’.  There’s a big difference.  That was such a fantastic piece of advice I was given and I treasured and used it well.
2. Medication – There is such a lot of rubbish written about medication for ADHD – there’s also a lot of rubbish spoken about it as well – this makes it very difficult for anyone trying to wade their way through to finding out what is the truth of this.  In my circumstance I left the medication until the very last resort and only then did I take it because I thought my son would never be able to cope with the really strict academic confines of South African schools at that stage.  They’re not like English schools that also cater for vocational training – which I think is so much more sensible.  Anyhow in South Africa it was different and the only qualification kids can get is academic.  It was a narrow way of educating but still – kids had to fit into that pattern or have no education.  But I did find a really good Doctor who specialised in children with ADHD as he had kids of his own who had suffered from it and as there was no help for his kids at all he went out and did it for his children.  In doing so he built up a national reputation as a specialist who succeeded where so many others failed.  His methods were radically different to other Doctors.  He didn’t just prescribe Ritalin and let you get on with it.  He had a whole programme of which Ritalin was a part.  He monitored his children and we had to visit him on a monthly basis with a report which had been completed by his teacher and by his parent.  And he was very good.  I learned the most about this problem from him than any other person.

The brain has two parts.  The right brain and the left brain.

The right brain is the creative side, the spontaneous, the intuitive, the imaginative side.

Dancing is a right brain activity – anything creative comes from the right brain.

Many people have become famous who have been predominantly right-brain.  Among them were such giants as:  Albert Einstein, and Leonardo Da Vinci.  [So much for that teacher who said my son could grow-up to become ‘good’ with his hands.  She didn’t really know what she was talking about.  A damaging situation for a teacher of youngsters to be in.

The right brain is spontaneous, doesn’t work out logic it acts first and thinks later.

Left Brain

The left brain is our thinking, logical side it’s where we work out solutions to problems.  It sifts through information and processes it into logical formulations for us to act on.  So in tandem the right brain produces the ideas and the left brain processes them into fruition.  I suppose that is quite simple.  But it is the best way I can think of to explain the two sides of the brain.

It’s no surprise then that in ADHD the problem happens because the right brain is maturing at a quicker pace than the left.  This results in the sheer creativity of the child to get into situations nobody has thought of them being capable of.  But they don’t have the benefit of the left brain to ‘think things through’ for them.  In a way its creativity out of control, out of balance, out of sync.  Ritalin, slows the right brain and speeds-up the left brain to produce a child who has slowed-down considerably and has begun to use the other part of their brain.  The results are astonishing.

Of course Ritalin is only one drug, there are others available.

So that’s about it – as usual I’ve only scratched the surface of the subject.  These are all things that are a lot more complicated and extremely difficult as a parent to cope with.  The only other bit of information I can give which might be of value is for parents to find ways of channeling energy into things that their child is naturally good at.  In my son’s case he was extremely good at sports.  All types of sport, it didn’t matter what it was he could excel. This was great, it not only provided a great way of confidence and self-esteem building, but it provided him with a natural ‘hero image’ amongst his peers.  They all loved it when he won stuff.  And that is a positive that you have to build on – these kids have fragile self-esteem, they learn from an early age they are different and they don’t, normally, do well in the classroom.  They often get labelled in negative ways by their teachers.  The classroom is not a happy place for them to be – so you have to find loads and loads of ways of building their confidence and self-esteem and build a good strong image.  Of course as a parent that’s what you are doing.  But for these kids its more essential.  Good luck.

Until next time take care.