We all want to be in love. To have that special someone who loves us unconditionally just as we are. Also to love someone back in the same way. We want to lavish love on that special someone. We want to be a part of something bigger than just ourselves. And when we’re ready – we want to start building our own small community,start a family. We want to have kids.
This is the way of things and has been since the beginning of time. And likely to stay that way into the future.
Reflecting over my life I see the easy part was meeting somebody, falling in love and beginning a whole new life with them. I have a feeling though maybe it was easier to meet people when I was young than today. Some people rely on dating agencies as a safer alternative than meeting strangers in a club and trying to form a relationship. Although nothing is impossible and everybody to their own. Whatever works for you.
So the first say, seven years of our marriage was the easy part. We had loads of fun together; traveled to many places, made great friends. By the time we celebrated our seventh anniversary we had two children and there was to be one more before our family was complete. But that was when ‘things’ started to get a little more difficult.
So what changes and what can we do to keep-up? I’ve narrowed it down to three ideas – the first being:
Learn everything you can about each other before children arrive. Some couples live together before making a more permanent arrangement and I think it a wonderful way to begin. But whatever way you chose to begin your life together – its vitally important you take time to know each other as well as possible. Talk to each other about your dreams, your hopes, what you’d like for your kids. How many kids you’d like, what values you believe in. What makes you angry and sad. What makes you happy. All of these and a lot more need to be discussed so that you can get to know each other as well as possible. It’s important to do it at this stage in your life.
I love being a Mum
Once kids arrive, not as many as that Mum I hope!
Your relationship will transform into something entirely different and suddenly you’re all out of time. So you need to know what your partner thinks about raising kids before they burst upon the scene. You discussed it when you both had time on your hands. So now you share the same ideals, the same values and at least some of the same traditions.
Although my husband and I didn’t live together. Society frowned on such arrangements and more to the point, my Mother would have freaked out. As I loved my Mum very much I had no wish to freak her out. But what we did do is talk. And we talked about everything. I can even remember my husband-to-be telling me he thought he might be able to manage making a few cupboards! Make sure you know each other really well – it’s time well spent. Believe me once kids come along your time wont be your own.
Learn to communicate – my idea of communication is not just speaking to another person but a high degree of listening is required. Yea you have to listen to your loved one as well. Keeping whatever channels of communication open is important. Lives get busy, my husband traveled a lot meaning he was away from home. In those days – no mobile phones – which made it a little harder to communicate Sometimes we didn’t speak at all because he was in an out-of-the-way place. We learned to make the most of it. Not easy, especially when you have other people dependent upon you and clamoring for your attention. Which brings me neatly to the third.
Compromise – Be flexible – If you want your relationship to endure you really need to become a master of flexibility and compromise. Without all the above skills it’s difficult to see how any relationship can survive.
The top four reasons for divorce according to a website entitled ezinearticles.com are:
I think my three ideas is the antidote to 3 – lack of time and 4- falling out of love.
Infidelity and abuse area specialized areas. But hardly surprising that infidelity is top also that abuse came in second. A statistic I found sometime ago which shocked me and still does is from Women’s Aid website where it states that ‘On average two women a week are killed by a male partner or former partner’.
So abuse is a huge and shocking problem in society today.
Overall we’ve seen the huge demands placed upon marriages and any relationships where there is a commitment to a long-term relationship. But the benefits of putting in the ‘hard yards’ is overwhelmingly worthwhile. What we found so important years ago gain a new perspective and don’t appear to be as important. We change and ripen over the years – I’m not going to lie to you and say it gets easier because it doesn’t. Whatever worth having is always going to be hard work.
Marriage is a journey – a process of two people forming a union with each other. This process requires a constant letting go of ‘old ways’ in order to embrace new. For example a simple illustration are family traditions. One person’s family background included celebrating Christmas in a certain way, the other person celebrated in another way. In order for a new tradition to be forged it requires both parties to let go so a new tradition is formed – one that is uniquely yours. Your family tradition on how Christmas is celebrated has begun the minute both let go of past, old views. There is a lot of this that goes on over the years and both parties need to be ready to let go of long-held views to embrace the new.
I think the success of any relationship depends a lot upon what you want and what your partner wants – if you both want the relationship to work, flower and bloom, it will. If either of you don’t want it to succeed because it’s too difficult or you don’t want to put in the ‘hard yards’ or any other reason that can be thought of, it wont.
Of course that also brings with it a fresh set of problems – what happens when one of you want to work at it and the other doesn’t? That’s a different story altogether and we’ll go into that another time. But for now, take care.
letsgo 