A Brand New Start

One of the many reasons I love New Year is because it’s like turning over a brand new page and starting over afresh.  Giving a glorious feeling of freedom, liberation and ready  to go.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year and a relaxing, peaceful time for all.

I am still away enjoying a marvellous break from the rigours of the northern hemisphere.  I took the opportunity of spending Christmas with my daughter and her partner in South Africa and will be here until mid-February!  I’m very lucky I know and I’m grateful for the opportunity to do this.

However I would like to share some of my time here with you.  We are going to spend a week at St. Lucia which is on the north coast of Durban and is a World Heritage Site.  I hope to go on a guided bird walk to see some of the rare species which live in the wetland area, aside from that there are various game reserves to visit and also a crocodile farm.  [I’m not so sure of visiting that]!  But I shall take some photos and post them to the blog.  St. Lucia is a gorgeous part of South Africa and beside the beautiful wild life it sustains, its also right beside the Indian Ocean, so I hope my pictures will show you some of the beauty of this area.

Aside from this I will be busy putting together a different look to my website and will be launching that when it’s ready – hopefully that will be around spring time.  It depends how everything goes.  So please this is the time for you to share any ideas you may have for the new site.  If you’ve got any ideas for articles you’d like to hear about well send them to me.  I’d love to hear from you and will do my best to include whatever you may like.  Any ideas at all are welcome.

If not don’t worry I’ve still got plenty of material and ideas to keep the site going for years!

That’s about it for now, this is just a short note to keep you posted on what’s happening.  I will continue to post as usual later on and will let you know when I’m off to St. Lucia.

Take Care – Lynne

WHAT IS IT? SNAKE? OR GARDEN HOSE?

The type of conflict that I am writing about  is  a question of perception. How is each party viewing the problem that ‘s causing so much heartache.

Is it really a hissing, spitting, poisonous snake?

Or a harmless old garden hose?

It’s possible that what you’re about to read will make more sense if you’re a woman than if you’re a man. That is because I am a woman and don’t have the insights necessary to view this like a man. It’s also because women tend to analyze things a lot more than men do – we women spend hours going over everything that’s said or not said until we get to the bottom of it to our satisfaction. And it’s work we need to do as it’s an essential part of the female psyche.

However, what I’ve learned about men and they way they approach things is ‘head-on’. So, if you want to discuss something with your partner and you find yourself  floundering around trying not to hurt his feelings.

Stop.

The likelihood is  you lost him at the first hurdle. Be direct, open and honest in your dialogue. Tell him exactly what it is you wish to communicate. Do this as factually as you can without blame or judgment.  Try to approach this in an unemotional way and the chances are you won’t hurt his feelings. He may not agree with you but at least he’ll understand what you’re talking about.

But back to being a woman. Experience has taught me to think quietly before I launch into any type of conflict resolution. Why? To find what it is I’m seeing. Is it a snake or a garden hose.

To give you an example let’s have a make-believe couple in a downward spiral of conflict and cannot reach a resolution. They go through the same old thing over and over.  Because they can’t decide on the baby’s name. He wants Joe for a boy and Joanne for a girl. She cannot stand the name Joe; it leaves her cold and she can never, never have a child by that name. He cannot understand her hatred of the name while  she’s too ashamed to confide the truth. Snake or hose pipe? It turns out when she was little she had an Uncle called Joe who was creepy – always trying to touch her and make her feel uncomfortable. Her parents soon discovered  this and put paid to Uncle Joe. So her memories although shadowy and vague were still buried within. It’s even possible she may not fully remember ‘Uncle Joe’.  Sometimes the memory has faded into the mist leaving only the emotions behind.  But that is most definitely a snake. It’s hissing and spitting and full of poison!

On the other hand if she hates the name Joe because she simply doesn’t like the name Joe, well that folks is a hose pipe!

Although a slightly exaggerated example it’s a good one to show that something which happened years and years ago still has the power to affect our behavior today. It always will have an effect on us throughout our lives if we cannot find ways to resolve it. The emotions released range from anger to shame to guilt to revenge to remorse and these emotions can be ‘sparked off ‘ in hundreds of ways.  The damage done within a relationship by this type of inner conflict is staggering.

Think back to the times you’ve experienced this yourself. You’ve said something thinking it quite innocent until it unleashes a totally ‘over the top’ reaction. This leaves you feeling hurt, confused and asking the questions, ‘Why?’ and ‘What did I do to deserve that’.  The truth is you haven’t done anything at all.  You had the misfortune to step on a snake.

I can’t underestimate the damage caused in these situations.

Because there can’t  be  resolution, until the person concerned, deals with their inner conflict.  Which is difficult when sometimes the person them-self is unaware of the root of the problem.  It’s like a weed which will keep on causing trouble in the garden so long as the root remains hidden  underground.

It has been the cause of so many breakdowns in relationships. I once even heard of a divorce which took place because the husband wouldn’t make his wife a hot water bottle when she asked. Because they lived in a hot climate he couldn’t understand why she would want a hot water bottle and saw it as a ‘waste of time’. While for her it was symbolic of comfort and love. Because it was what Mum always did for her when she needed a bit of  TLC.  Consequently she saw him uncaring and treating her as ‘worthless’.  This conflict lay between them unresolved, locked into a downward spiral until it caused the break-up and divorce.  The emotional hurt and pain which results to both parties is horrendous.

But it’s not rocket science is it?

Just to sit quietly and think about what different things may mean for different people.

Or to be as honest and truthful as we can about what deeper meanings everyday things might mean to us. If a bit of honesty had been used in the above example; it maybe that couple could still be together today.
Of course there are different reasons for conflict within a relationship.

Chief among them the usual suspects:   Sex.  Money.  The kids.  The in-laws and other family members.

So next time we’ll take a look at some of these.  Except for sex.  Sex is a specialized area and the problems within it are beyond my scope, so if that is your problem area then I hope you would be able to contact a sex-therapist who do extremely good work.

Until next time I hope you keep well.

Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.” ― Mother Teresa

Do you get a lovely feeling inside when somebody smiles at you?

If you do then you’ll know why it is truly one of life’s greatest free gifts.

But sometimes the business of loving somebody is not as simple as it may seem.

Life experience has made me an expert on this as I’ve been married to the same bloke for 42 years, so I do know what happens when ‘things’ start to get tough and ugly!

It drives me mad when people tell me how lucky I am to have been married for this long.  Not because I don’t know that but because I know how tough it has been.  I also know the times I’ve wanted to get out and bang the door shut behind me is exactly when it’s the hardest thing to stay and sort it out.

Relationships are tough.  They‘re tough if you’ve got it all.  Fame, great riches and wild success.  Or if you’re like most people with barely enough to get by each month.  They’re tough when you’re dirt poor.

It really cheeses me off when love and living together in partnerships are portrayed in that sticky, stereotyped, chocolate box way that sometimes slithers its way onto our TV screens.  Loving relationships are forged from the tough parts of our lives – those are the ones that endure.

It’s a shame we have to grow out of the illusions gathered throughout childhood. Unfortunately though it’s necessary in order to grow to adulthood.  It’s what some people refer to as the ‘ journey’.  The journey from ‘the  cradle to the grave’.

Handling conflict is one of the toughest problems to resolve in relationships.  In some ways women find this much tougher than men because traditionally women don’t like to hurt some one else’s ‘feelings’.  Other ways men find it tough as they haven’t a clue how to communicate with women anyway and they don’t understand their own feelings let alone those of anyone else.  Traditionally men run a mile when those dreaded words are  mentioned: ‘let’s talk’.

This is not always the case as I’ve no wish to stereotype men or women, we’re not all the same mercifully.

But conflict in any situation is difficult to cope with but unless some means are found to cope with conflict – it will eat away a relationship until maybe the only option left is to leave.

And yes sometimes that is the best thing for two people who have little left of what they started with.  Or maybe one person has changed beyond recognition through the use of alcohol or drugs or whatever other reasons there are around which changes us beyond recognition.

I once counselled somebody who had been married for some years had three children and was happy together with her partner.  One day he upped and left.  Without leaving her any money whatsoever.  Plus leaving behind a debt which she couldn’t hope to pay off.  She lost everything trying to keep heart and home together.  And eventually she lost her children because she had no means to keep them.  Couldn’t get a job because she couldn’t pay to leave them with anyone.  [And no Social Security in that country in which I lived at that time].

What made him leave her?  I don’t know.  And neither did she.  Ever.  When I counselled with her it was something like 17 years later and she was still the most bitter, broken person I’ve ever met.  The story had a fairly good ending because by the time we’d finished with her counselling we had managed to trace two of her three children and so she was able to re-unite at least part of her family.

Relationships do break down.  Despite everything we may do to save them, there’s nothing to do but let it go.

Next week we’ll be looking at ways of resolving conflict.

Related articles

• Relationships-Part I (brendamarroyauthor.com)

Being in a relationship is not always the most important thing – especially if you’re a woman. What do you think? True or False?

I would love to hear your thoughts re the above.  Really.  I would.

E-mail me  lynne143@gmail.com to let me know your feelings.  I understand that you all lead busy lives but it would be much appreciated.

I feel quite passionately about women taking men into their lives on a casual basis. All the reasons women may think it’s important or necessary to have a man in their life there is one reason, in my opinion anyway, that far outweighs all other.

Safety.

Yes be safe.

Keep yourself safe.

Keep others in your family safe.

It doesn’t matter who they are, daughter, grand-daughter, cousins, nieces, nephews whoever are part of your family treat them as sacrosanct.

Once they are gone there is nothing you can do.

It’s easy  for us to forget about dangers, to become apathetic – we all do it.  That’s why it’s good for someone like me to remind us now and again.  To bring that mirror before us of  possible consequences which stem from  ignoring a golden rule.

Predators.  Who  like nothing better than to insinuate themselves into a family where they can become trusted members before finally they strike at  their target.

Beware of  predators.

Of course not every man is a predator nor every woman either.  So let’s be balanced about this.  But my message this week is really to make it hard for people whom you don’t know to become part of your family.  Don’t introduce them to your children and your inner circle too soon.  Almost make them work for it, they have to earn trust.  It’s not a prize that we dish out to anyone just for turning up.  Be fair but be firm.

If somebody sounds too good to be true, they’re normally not true.  If a potential partner is years younger than you please don’t be shy. Stare the question in the face and ask yourself why?  If you have younger females around your family circle realize it may not be you they’re interested in.  Be aware – don’t close yourself off – reality can be painful.  But nowhere near as painful as knowing someone you love dearly is gone forever.  Or harmed by somebody you took in as a ‘partner’.

And don’t forget this: soul-searching can be done as privately as you wish – you don’t have to share it with anyone if you don’t want to.  Sometimes we’re encouraged to ‘bare all’ and get talked into some sort of an emotional striptease.  Remember always.  You are in control of your feelings and you can share as much or as little as you want to.  It’s up to you.  Nobody can force you.

Thank God, not everybody is a potential murderer and for the most part people are decent and clean living.

But never forget  predators are out there.

Where Does Love Begin?

Ultimately it all begins with ourselves.

We’ll never get anyone else to love us until we begin to love ourself.

For many that sounds selfish, self-centered.

To be a healthy well-balanced person it is essential to learn how to love yourself and how you can begin to practice the art.

I think the closest  I can describe what loving yourself means is to create a word picture of somebody who accepts themselves warts and all.  We don’t have to be perfect – we don’t have to set unrealistic goals or place  horrific expectations on ourselves.  We can say honestly ‘no I’m not perfect – but I’m learning how to get there’.  Even this is a journey as we’ll make mistakes and muck things up.

I think the other important part of loving oneself is actually having the bravery to be ourselves.  Whoever you are, whatever you are, that is the face which you present to the world. This does not mean wearing your heart on your sleeve and allowing everyone access to your innermost thoughts. It means discovering the power that lies in being you and in being in control of you:  a unique person who has a perspective of the world shaped by your thoughts and your dreams.  Not shaped by your parents dreams, or your teachers dreams, or whoever else may have been important to you in your development.

Being released and liberated from the yoke of other people’s expectations and discovering your unique self is a powerful experience.

It’s also a powerful step to loving yourself. It’s amazing how many of us go through life living for other people and trying to meet their expectations and for those of you who do – you will know one thing – you always fail!

Always.

Sometimes we stick in this rut because we’re afraid of letting others down.  But maybe it’ll come as a  surprise to learn how much respect can be gained  if you quietly, respectfully – do your own thing.

So long as you don’t set-out to hurt others by doing your own thing.

People will respect you.

So that’s a short word picture of what loving yourself is about.  It’s not about pushing others out-of-the-way because what we want and who we are is more important.  It’s more a recognition of how important you are and how important I am also.  I am no better than other people – but I’m no worse either and I deserve to give myself a bit of time and space to grow and develop in the way I need.

Once you begin to change your vision of yourself maybe the vision of those around you will change as well.  So who you may have thought attractive before you embarked on this journey will now be different and you will begin to look for somebody who more reflects your values and ideals because now you know your own self a bit better.

I think this journey of learning to love and accept yourself warts and all is a lifelong journey.

Life is like a river it doesn’t stop still but is constantly flowing, moving on and as circumstances change –  so do we.

It’s important to keep abreast of these changes – you hear a lot about people who go through an identity crisis.  It’s often presented like they wake-up one morning and don’t know who they are.

It’s not like that at all.

This has been going on over  several years and they just haven’t noticed until one crisis  suddenly alerts them to what’s been going on.

Sit down with a notebook and pencil and get to know you and what really makes you tick.

Enjoy the adventure!

ALL THE BITS AND PIECES THAT GO UP TO MAKE THE WHOLE

Sit quietly and think through all the relationships that you sustain on a daily basis.  It’s quite staggering – it’s also no wonder that there’s no time to spend on them as you’d probably like.

For example we are wives, girlfriends, cousins, friends, colleagues, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, voters, workers, daughters, no list would be conclusive but this list gives a hint of what we’re involved in on a daily basis.

Just think for a moment about your relationship as a voter to the government of the day or to potential government of the day.  How much time do you spend on getting to know them, listening to their point of view analyzing what kind of government they would provide for your country.  [This is of course if you live in a country where you are allowed to decide in such matters].  I’m not advocating or trying to prescribe what you should/ought to be doing – I’m merely highlighting that in todays fast paced world an important relationship such as the one between government and voter is practically non existent .  Maybe governments should utilize modern methods of communicating with potential voters and making available avenues for voters to communicate with them.  Makes sense doesn’t it?

Commitments on our time is eroding, eating away at all of our relationships leaving us less and less time to spend on the things that are important to us – we have so many demands upon our attention sometimes it’s so easy to wander from our goals of spending more time with this or that or the other person.  I read articles on prioritizing and goal setting yet I also know about the guilt and feelings of failure when these tools don’t work which invariably is the case.  So what is the answer?  What do we do?

I’m not sure there is an answer.  I’m not sure there is a template for success – and if we only follow this procedure faithfully- then ‘xyz’ will the outcome.

That doesn’t sound particularly positive or particularly helpful I know, but bear with me.

I don’t believe in ‘absolutes’.  If people give me a recipe for success that contains an ‘absolute’ I’m inclined to disbelieve it.

What I do believe in is that lots of the ‘bits and pieces’ that go up to make the whole of our lives is quite simply a journey.  So if we re-look at the problem of time in the context of a journey we’ll see it transform into something we can manage.  

Now say you plan to spend more time with your partner;  try being specific about what you want.

Spending more time is a bit ambiguous.

What would you like to do?   What do you want to achieve?

Do you need to talk through something important?

What is the best way of achieving this?  At home, or maybe going for dinner?

Gradually as you filter though what you want to do and how to achieve it a plan will formulate in your mind.  Don’t forget this thinking it through can be done anywhere, in downtime.  Waiting in a traffic jam, sitting on the bus/train.  So make your plan bit by bit.

This is the journey.

Try it.

See what you think.

If it breaks down.  Re-look at it, where did it break down?  And why?  Tweak it a little and try again.

Hello world!

Hello-world.  That sounds really fantastic doesn’t it?  Who would have thought even 10 years ago; that an ordinary everyday person like me could begin a communication by ‘Hello-world.  Mind you for those of you who read a  blog on a regular basis that’s probably ‘old hat’ by now, could be getting boring even.  So please forgive my fresh-faced enthusiasm, I will try my best to be  hard-boiled cynic but must warn you I shall probably fail miserably most of the time.

So this blog is all about the things we care about and the people we care about.  It’s all the little things that go into making our world what it is.  A little of everything that you fancy, and probably some that you don’t.

To kick-off this week though I want to ask you what you think  of the ‘Shades of Grey’ Trilogy that has taken the UK by storm.  If you’ve read it what do you think of it?  I’d love to hear what your thoughts are.  It seems to have had a startling effect upon some people.  I overheard the comment in the hairdressers the other day that it had completely overtaken the life of one of the hairdressers as she couldn’t get enough of the book.

I must admit I read the intro to the book on kindle months ago.  I always read what other people’s comments are and admit to being influenced  a lot by what they say.  Anyhow this one comment on the book stated that it was full of typos and bad spelling – I must admit that was enough to put me off immediately.  Typos and bad spelling is not what I pay for!  Curiously though looking back not one mention in the critique of the sheer weight of porn within the book.  (I hesitate to call it a story as I’m not sure there is one!).  So that is as far as it went for me I’m afraid, but I would like to hear what you all have to say on that matter anyhow.

Related articles

• Why women love Fifty Shades of Grey (guardian.co.uk)

My husband and I have researched the possibility of moving house.  Well what a performance this has been.  I can’t begin to describe the agony of it all.  For those of you safely ensconced in your home that you’ve just  to get right  or nearly ‘just the way you want it. ‘  I suggest this is probably the closest to heaven that any of us will ever get.  Stay there.

First we had to decorate the place to leach every bit of color out of it.  All must be magnolia, we did deviate from this slightly so will probably bear the unpleasant consequences of having people reject our house as ‘unsuitable’ or ‘can’t possibly imagine my stuff in here with this color-scheme’.  Anyhow decorating became minor renovations as in the space of time since last paint was required; nasty cracks had appeared seemingly out of nowhere. These often required digging out which created wider and wider channels which then had to be re plastered. On and on it went. Requiring more and more money. I despaired that this would never come to an end. I feared at one stage that we would be completely re-building the house.

However, the day came at last when paintbrushes various saws, drills, rods, measuring sticks and other miscellaneous items were put away – we were finished. I discovered I had a toilet that worked properly for the first time in a decade! The magnolia lightened walls that had unknowingly become dingy and discolored, I had at last got a hood in my kitchen, complete with splash backs and new cupboards. As I wandered around my new home I wondered to myself, ‘Why on earth would I now want to leave this’. I had waited so long for all these things to be done – I mean it did seem such a shame! It’s not all over – not by a long chalk so watch this space. We could be off yet.