The type of conflict that I am writing about  is  a question of perception. How is each party viewing the problem that ‘s causing so much heartache.

Is it really a hissing, spitting, poisonous snake?

Or a harmless old garden hose?

It’s possible that what you’re about to read will make more sense if you’re a woman than if you’re a man. That is because I am a woman and don’t have the insights necessary to view this like a man. It’s also because women tend to analyze things a lot more than men do – we women spend hours going over everything that’s said or not said until we get to the bottom of it to our satisfaction. And it’s work we need to do as it’s an essential part of the female psyche.

However, what I’ve learned about men and they way they approach things is ‘head-on’. So, if you want to discuss something with your partner and you find yourself  floundering around trying not to hurt his feelings.

Stop.

The likelihood is  you lost him at the first hurdle. Be direct, open and honest in your dialogue. Tell him exactly what it is you wish to communicate. Do this as factually as you can without blame or judgment.  Try to approach this in an unemotional way and the chances are you won’t hurt his feelings. He may not agree with you but at least he’ll understand what you’re talking about.

But back to being a woman. Experience has taught me to think quietly before I launch into any type of conflict resolution. Why? To find what it is I’m seeing. Is it a snake or a garden hose.

To give you an example let’s have a make-believe couple in a downward spiral of conflict and cannot reach a resolution. They go through the same old thing over and over.  Because they can’t decide on the baby’s name. He wants Joe for a boy and Joanne for a girl. She cannot stand the name Joe; it leaves her cold and she can never, never have a child by that name. He cannot understand her hatred of the name while  she’s too ashamed to confide the truth. Snake or hose pipe? It turns out when she was little she had an Uncle called Joe who was creepy – always trying to touch her and make her feel uncomfortable. Her parents soon discovered  this and put paid to Uncle Joe. So her memories although shadowy and vague were still buried within. It’s even possible she may not fully remember ‘Uncle Joe’.  Sometimes the memory has faded into the mist leaving only the emotions behind.  But that is most definitely a snake. It’s hissing and spitting and full of poison!

On the other hand if she hates the name Joe because she simply doesn’t like the name Joe, well that folks is a hose pipe!

Although a slightly exaggerated example it’s a good one to show that something which happened years and years ago still has the power to affect our behavior today. It always will have an effect on us throughout our lives if we cannot find ways to resolve it. The emotions released range from anger to shame to guilt to revenge to remorse and these emotions can be ‘sparked off ‘ in hundreds of ways.  The damage done within a relationship by this type of inner conflict is staggering.

Think back to the times you’ve experienced this yourself. You’ve said something thinking it quite innocent until it unleashes a totally ‘over the top’ reaction. This leaves you feeling hurt, confused and asking the questions, ‘Why?’ and ‘What did I do to deserve that’.  The truth is you haven’t done anything at all.  You had the misfortune to step on a snake.

I can’t underestimate the damage caused in these situations.

Because there can’t  be  resolution, until the person concerned, deals with their inner conflict.  Which is difficult when sometimes the person them-self is unaware of the root of the problem.  It’s like a weed which will keep on causing trouble in the garden so long as the root remains hidden  underground.

It has been the cause of so many breakdowns in relationships. I once even heard of a divorce which took place because the husband wouldn’t make his wife a hot water bottle when she asked. Because they lived in a hot climate he couldn’t understand why she would want a hot water bottle and saw it as a ‘waste of time’. While for her it was symbolic of comfort and love. Because it was what Mum always did for her when she needed a bit of  TLC.  Consequently she saw him uncaring and treating her as ‘worthless’.  This conflict lay between them unresolved, locked into a downward spiral until it caused the break-up and divorce.  The emotional hurt and pain which results to both parties is horrendous.

But it’s not rocket science is it?

Just to sit quietly and think about what different things may mean for different people.

Or to be as honest and truthful as we can about what deeper meanings everyday things might mean to us. If a bit of honesty had been used in the above example; it maybe that couple could still be together today.
Of course there are different reasons for conflict within a relationship.

Chief among them the usual suspects:   Sex.  Money.  The kids.  The in-laws and other family members.

So next time we’ll take a look at some of these.  Except for sex.  Sex is a specialized area and the problems within it are beyond my scope, so if that is your problem area then I hope you would be able to contact a sex-therapist who do extremely good work.

Until next time I hope you keep well.