It is difficult to describe this journey. This Dark Night of the Soul.

When writing about emotional pain the majority of words available aren’t adequate to tell this story. At worst it sounds ‘airy fairy’ and ambiguous, the meaning you want to convey doesn’t come across, as you, the writer, struggle to make your way through this minefield and hope to be understood by your reading audience.

Therefore, I’m going to ask your forgiveness before I start. For if anything I write comes across like I’ve described. You’ll know at once what the problem is and make allowances for it.

One of the many difficulties faced with illuminating emotional pain and clarifying it is that it’s invisible. Emotional pain can’t be seen by the naked eye.

It doesn’t show-up on an x-ray and emotional pain cannot be dissected or analysed.

Unlike physical pain which often is visible; like somebody’s operation scar, for example.

Emotional pain is invisible. Nobody can see it.

A lot of people are insensitive to emotional suffering and say things like, ‘It’s all in the head’. Or, it’s a case of ‘Mind over matter’.  ‘Pull yourself together, put it all behind you’.  ‘Time is a great Healer.  As a society we don’t care about emotional pain – we don’t acknowledge it.  And we certainly don’t understand it. We treat it like it doesn’t exist. Yet emotional pain, although hidden, lies at the root of many physical illness afflicting today’s society. We forget the human body is more than physical. We forget the human body is three-dimensional: Mind, body and spirit.

Some cultures have embraced the effects of emotional pain and acknowledge the importance of listening to the inner journey of another person.  Of sharing in the Dark Night of the Soul.  However in other cultures it’s not acceptable to be dependent or even show pain.

For a lot of us our experience is somewhere between the two.

I once heard ‘pain’ being experienced by somebody as ‘black’ totally ‘black’. She went on to describe it as coming over her like a heavy, dark, black cloud, blotting the light out of her entirely. As I listened I imagined a bright sunny day and saw [in my mind’s eye] a delightful garden of brilliant red, yellow, white and blue flowers. Suddenly a black cloud blots out the sunlight – the garden falls into shade  instantly, leaving me shivering as the warmth was leached out of the day.

That was how I got a sense of what she was feeling.

For the purpose of this attempt to describe the journey through pain I’m going to use this illustration of ‘black’. But remember each person  experiences pain  in a way which is uniquely their own.

It doesn’t last all the time. But comes and goes. Sometimes we forget what caused the pain. For short periods of time we live in a normal world, then without warning we’re plunged back into darkness.

That is a scary thought isn’t it? Of moving through total darkness, total blackness.

We feel threatened and we go into ‘flight’ or ‘fight’ mode. These are physiological responses we make to anything we detect as a threat. Because they’re physiological, we have no control over them.

So each person according to their own unique nature will tackle the grievous injury being inflicted on us. As there is nothing to be done we may as well accept it as a necessary part of the healing process.

When I say ‘fight’. I don’t mean literally a good old fist fight.  The words merely mean our way of responding – which might be in an inner way as well as an outward way.

While we’re in this state of deep pain – don’t forget we’re also experiencing the five stages of grief – so we’re in a pretty intense state.

Often while in this state people find it difficult to act on any level at all. They don’t want to eat food as it may taste like sawdust to them. Sleep may be elusive to some while others suffer from insomnia.  Some people may want to sleep all the time – not having energy to get out of bed.

Some people go through periods of ranting at themselves, blaming themselves, their partners, their parents, God and anybody else they think could be responsible for what has happened to them. They’re not easy to be around and after first attempts – their friends and associates might just stop visiting.

On the other hand instead of pouring their feelings outwards, it might be the person suffers quietly and withdraws deep inside themselves.

First of all anybody who is suffering  it’s important for you to know that it will pass.  The pain will decrease in time. You will slowly begin to become ‘alive’ again.

How long this takes cannot be predicted by anyone as each of us is unique. But it’s important that you allow this pain to go through your body. I can’t stress this enough. If you try to run away from it with drugs or booze. It will be ten times worse when you’ve recovered and the pain will still be there. It will also prolong the agony, so try your best to just allow it through you.

It’s also important that you eat. I know it’s not easy and food has no taste to it. But try easy things such as soups, yoghurt, fruit, toast and tea.  A fresh slice of bread and butter. Things that are simple are often the best.

If you’re feeling lost and ‘out of control.  A suggestion is try to help your body do its work. Keep as healthy as you can. Try not to make important decisions at this low point of your life.  Remember you’re in the middle of a huge sandstorm and you need to hunker down, keep yourself safe.  Allow the storm to pass safely over your head – when you begin to feel strong you can make big decisions.  Until then do the ‘housekeeping’ work in your life.

There will come a time, naturally, when you begin to feel better. You will know this instinctively – it may take you a while to figure out how different and what is different. But you will recognize the pain is less and you can move easier, breathe easier. You will feel lighter. If you keep aware of what is changing within you could begin to document it thereby helping to illuminate and clarify what is happening within.

One last thing is a few ideas for people involved  with people going through a difficult time.

Remember people suffering deep emotional pain can’t hear well. The best support you can give them is to let them know that you’re there for them when they need and for whatever they need and for however long it takes.

That let’s the person know you care. And it’s exactly what they want to hear at that time. They don’t want a lecture, they don’t want a sermon and they don’t want to be left isolated in their pain, cut-off from others.  Be the one to offer chicken soup. Or make toast and tea. To sit and listen. Sometimes just to sit.

Try  letting the person set the agenda.

It is hard to do and harder still to be quiet when you feel ‘put upon’.

Make sure you deal with those feelings of yours safely;  away from anyone else.  It’s vitally important to know and to accept. You are important too. Sometimes without intending to, or meaning to, you can become a doormat to others instead of being a caring person. Don’t be a doormat. Be what you are – a deeply caring, sensitive person.

Although there’s a lot more to write about emotional pain and practical ways of dealing with it. I feel what I’ve covered here is enough for a blog. Anything further would need a lot more writing and wouldn’t be a blog. More of a book.

I cannot stress enough how important I believe this subject is. It never ceases to amaze me how little we treat our emotions as a society. We don’t seem to acknowledge that we ‘are’, what we ‘think’. The seat of the emotions isn’t the heart. It’s the brain. Our thoughts govern our feelings. We ‘are’ what we ‘think’.  It’s an important part of our journey on becoming ‘whole’, we are reclaiming parts of ourselves that we thought ‘lost’.

Until next week…….